Change change change

Drinking: Tea
Listening to: Yoshi's chattering

So much transition lately...  And so much more to come.  It's hard.  Even though growing up my life was in a constant state of transition... Actually, I can't remember a time when I was settled, AT ALL...  I still have such a hard time dealing with change...

I hate having to make decisions... Especially big ones.  I hate money.  I really hate it.  I wish money was non-existant.  Yes, I know, that wouldn't work.  Whatever.  I don't care.


God continues to amaze me in His provision...  I can't remember a time when Christ wasn't completely holding me in His arms.  I know that everything is going to "work together for my good".

I'm letting go of these worries...  These regrets and these fears.  I'm letting Him scoop me up in His arms and be my comfort.

"Because, You make all things work together for my good."

Orthodontist app tomorrow morning and a doc's app next week.  Be in prayer for me please.  :)

Who is in control?

Drinking: Nothing...  Thirsty
Listening to: Episode of Numbers playing in the background.

Too often I see Christians trying to work things out on their own while still saying they know God is in control.  If God really is in control, why do we need to meddle?

"Could you love this bastard child?  Though, I don't trust you to provide.  With one hand in a pot of gold and the other in your side."

We say we trust Him but then we seek our solace elsewhere.  Well, guess what?  I trust God.  I trust that He is going to take care of me no matter what.  He knows what I can handle.  He knows what Daniel and I can handle.  He knows where we will be in 2 years.  He knows how upset I have been lately, how flustered, how tired, how alone.  But He knows I can handle it.  He loves me.  And I am not going to doubt His will or His knowledge.  My friend today reminded me that I don't need the encouragement of others.  As nice as it is, it is not necessary.

I'm going to take her advice.

Reconciling

Drinking: Nothing...  I'm rather thirsty though..

Listening to: The really obnoxious fan on my husband's new computer.

So, I want to address a few things through this post.  This will be more of an emotional ventilation entry, so bear with me.

1) It's amazing how easily family can hurt feelings.

2) "The God Who Wasn't There" by Brian Flemming is an intriguing documentary...

3) How do I reconcile?  With God and with my family and with myself....

1)  It's amazing how I let my grandparents really have control over my emotional state...  I look to my grandmother for truth, because that's where I have always found it.  So the moment that she stops supporting, starts criticizing and starts doubting me is the moment my world seems to fall apart.  I feel as though I have committed a crime so devastating that I need to suffer some terrible form of punishment.  I hate this.  I hate how it affects me.  But it does.  And right now I am feeling rather unloved by them.  Which, I know to be completely untrue.  Please, understand that.  I know my grandparents love me probably more than most grandparents love a granddaughter, mostly because they raised me as if they were my parents...  But I'm struggling with this.  Please pray for this area in my life.  Pray that I won't put so much stock in what my grandma thinks of me, but in what God says is true of me and my decisions.

2)  I watched the documentary today by Brian Flemming..  The entire time he was trying to say that God isn't real because of this that and the other...  It was frustrating, sad, scary and really disturbing.  But I felt as though I needed to watch it.  I needed to see what this thing was about.  I don't really regret watching it because it showed me how weak in my faith I am..  Working on my relationship with Christ needs to become more of a discipline for me.  I've been slacking on my Bible study lately.  I was going strong for a full week and then it got so hard to get up an hour early.  But I need to do my study in the morning.  It does me no good if I do it at night.  I need to use it as a get started for the day...  But anyway, back to this documentary...  Some of the stuff mentioned was stuff that sounded almost reasonable..  And it does really all go back to faith.  We don't have super scientific proofs that God is who He says He is.  Granted we can look at science and use it to say that God is God, but the secular world will construe it to be something different.  But faith is so beautiful isn't it?  If we had God all figured out, then God wouldn't be God...  And even if there was ABSOLUTE (we can see God physically) proof, well, people would find a way to make it fake.  Or to make God seem less powerful.

3) How do I reconcile?  I know I can ask Christ for forgiveness... But that just makes me right with Him, not me.  I hate myself sometimes.  I really, really do.  I hate this nasty, mean, cynical person that I've become. Pray for me.  Pray that I can overcome these stupid emotions.

That's all for today....  Thanks for reading all of that (if you did).