Listening to: The really obnoxious fan on my husband's new computer.
So, I want to address a few things through this post. This will be more of an emotional ventilation entry, so bear with me.
1) It's amazing how easily family can hurt feelings.
2) "The God Who Wasn't There" by Brian Flemming is an intriguing documentary...
3) How do I reconcile? With God and with my family and with myself....
1) It's amazing how I let my grandparents really have control over my emotional state... I look to my grandmother for truth, because that's where I have always found it. So the moment that she stops supporting, starts criticizing and starts doubting me is the moment my world seems to fall apart. I feel as though I have committed a crime so devastating that I need to suffer some terrible form of punishment. I hate this. I hate how it affects me. But it does. And right now I am feeling rather unloved by them. Which, I know to be completely untrue. Please, understand that. I know my grandparents love me probably more than most grandparents love a granddaughter, mostly because they raised me as if they were my parents... But I'm struggling with this. Please pray for this area in my life. Pray that I won't put so much stock in what my grandma thinks of me, but in what God says is true of me and my decisions.
2) I watched the documentary today by Brian Flemming.. The entire time he was trying to say that God isn't real because of this that and the other... It was frustrating, sad, scary and really disturbing. But I felt as though I needed to watch it. I needed to see what this thing was about. I don't really regret watching it because it showed me how weak in my faith I am.. Working on my relationship with Christ needs to become more of a discipline for me. I've been slacking on my Bible study lately. I was going strong for a full week and then it got so hard to get up an hour early. But I need to do my study in the morning. It does me no good if I do it at night. I need to use it as a get started for the day... But anyway, back to this documentary... Some of the stuff mentioned was stuff that sounded almost reasonable.. And it does really all go back to faith. We don't have super scientific proofs that God is who He says He is. Granted we can look at science and use it to say that God is God, but the secular world will construe it to be something different. But faith is so beautiful isn't it? If we had God all figured out, then God wouldn't be God... And even if there was ABSOLUTE (we can see God physically) proof, well, people would find a way to make it fake. Or to make God seem less powerful.
3) How do I reconcile? I know I can ask Christ for forgiveness... But that just makes me right with Him, not me. I hate myself sometimes. I really, really do. I hate this nasty, mean, cynical person that I've become. Pray for me. Pray that I can overcome these stupid emotions.
That's all for today.... Thanks for reading all of that (if you did).
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