God's Provision

Listening: to Daniel play the same song clip on repeat over and over as he makes a video for class...
Drinking: nothing... but I'd like something..

These past few weeks, God has really been teaching me first hand, how He is in control of everything.  Every time I look around at this beautiful house that God provided for Daniel and I, I'm reminded of how blessed I am.  I don't deserve all that God has done for us.  Especially with this potential job opportunity for Daniel fleshing out.

As hard as this semester is, I'm completely awestruck with the might of our Lord.

While reading for class, the author touched on how it's a lot better to go through trials in this life than to live a comfortable and easy life.  Of course, looking back on my past, I'm confronted with trial upon trial.  And not just trivial things, but life altering ones, the ones that bring you to your knees, the ones that make you want to stop living...  The very trials that brought me to the place I am in now.  It's by no means perfect, but the improvements are unbelievable.  I never once, in my life, dreamt I would be living in a house as nice as this... I couldn't even conceive a thought like that.  But here I am, in a HOME... I'm SAFE.  Safety is a word that was far from me throughout my childhood...

And it's hard sometimes to work through those hurts, to confront those memories in the name of Christ.  And to overcome the hurts so that I can be a better wife and a better friend.

But God is good..  He is SO good to me.  And He is changing me.  Slowly, but surely.

Now, off to bed!

Change change change

Drinking: Tea
Listening to: Yoshi's chattering

So much transition lately...  And so much more to come.  It's hard.  Even though growing up my life was in a constant state of transition... Actually, I can't remember a time when I was settled, AT ALL...  I still have such a hard time dealing with change...

I hate having to make decisions... Especially big ones.  I hate money.  I really hate it.  I wish money was non-existant.  Yes, I know, that wouldn't work.  Whatever.  I don't care.


God continues to amaze me in His provision...  I can't remember a time when Christ wasn't completely holding me in His arms.  I know that everything is going to "work together for my good".

I'm letting go of these worries...  These regrets and these fears.  I'm letting Him scoop me up in His arms and be my comfort.

"Because, You make all things work together for my good."

Orthodontist app tomorrow morning and a doc's app next week.  Be in prayer for me please.  :)

Who is in control?

Drinking: Nothing...  Thirsty
Listening to: Episode of Numbers playing in the background.

Too often I see Christians trying to work things out on their own while still saying they know God is in control.  If God really is in control, why do we need to meddle?

"Could you love this bastard child?  Though, I don't trust you to provide.  With one hand in a pot of gold and the other in your side."

We say we trust Him but then we seek our solace elsewhere.  Well, guess what?  I trust God.  I trust that He is going to take care of me no matter what.  He knows what I can handle.  He knows what Daniel and I can handle.  He knows where we will be in 2 years.  He knows how upset I have been lately, how flustered, how tired, how alone.  But He knows I can handle it.  He loves me.  And I am not going to doubt His will or His knowledge.  My friend today reminded me that I don't need the encouragement of others.  As nice as it is, it is not necessary.

I'm going to take her advice.

Reconciling

Drinking: Nothing...  I'm rather thirsty though..

Listening to: The really obnoxious fan on my husband's new computer.

So, I want to address a few things through this post.  This will be more of an emotional ventilation entry, so bear with me.

1) It's amazing how easily family can hurt feelings.

2) "The God Who Wasn't There" by Brian Flemming is an intriguing documentary...

3) How do I reconcile?  With God and with my family and with myself....

1)  It's amazing how I let my grandparents really have control over my emotional state...  I look to my grandmother for truth, because that's where I have always found it.  So the moment that she stops supporting, starts criticizing and starts doubting me is the moment my world seems to fall apart.  I feel as though I have committed a crime so devastating that I need to suffer some terrible form of punishment.  I hate this.  I hate how it affects me.  But it does.  And right now I am feeling rather unloved by them.  Which, I know to be completely untrue.  Please, understand that.  I know my grandparents love me probably more than most grandparents love a granddaughter, mostly because they raised me as if they were my parents...  But I'm struggling with this.  Please pray for this area in my life.  Pray that I won't put so much stock in what my grandma thinks of me, but in what God says is true of me and my decisions.

2)  I watched the documentary today by Brian Flemming..  The entire time he was trying to say that God isn't real because of this that and the other...  It was frustrating, sad, scary and really disturbing.  But I felt as though I needed to watch it.  I needed to see what this thing was about.  I don't really regret watching it because it showed me how weak in my faith I am..  Working on my relationship with Christ needs to become more of a discipline for me.  I've been slacking on my Bible study lately.  I was going strong for a full week and then it got so hard to get up an hour early.  But I need to do my study in the morning.  It does me no good if I do it at night.  I need to use it as a get started for the day...  But anyway, back to this documentary...  Some of the stuff mentioned was stuff that sounded almost reasonable..  And it does really all go back to faith.  We don't have super scientific proofs that God is who He says He is.  Granted we can look at science and use it to say that God is God, but the secular world will construe it to be something different.  But faith is so beautiful isn't it?  If we had God all figured out, then God wouldn't be God...  And even if there was ABSOLUTE (we can see God physically) proof, well, people would find a way to make it fake.  Or to make God seem less powerful.

3) How do I reconcile?  I know I can ask Christ for forgiveness... But that just makes me right with Him, not me.  I hate myself sometimes.  I really, really do.  I hate this nasty, mean, cynical person that I've become. Pray for me.  Pray that I can overcome these stupid emotions.

That's all for today....  Thanks for reading all of that (if you did).  

Wedding Dress

Drinking: Hazelnut coffee, loaded with creamer and sugar, courtesy of my Keurig
Listening to: Derek Webb, Alexi Murdoch, William Fitzsimmons

If you could love me as a wife,
And for my wedding, gift your life,
Should that be all I'll ever need?
Or is there more I'm looking for?

Should I read between the lines?
Look for blessings in disguise?
To make me handsome, rich and wise...
Is that really what you want?

Cause I am a whore, I do confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress,
and I, run down the aisle, run down the aisle
I'm a prodigal with no way home,
I put you on just like a ring of gold and I run down the aisle,
Run down the aisle, to You

So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don't trust you to provide?
With one hand in a pot of gold,
and with the other in your side...

Cause I am so easily satisfied,
with a call of a lover so less wild,
I would take a little cash,
Over your very flesh and blood...

Cause I am a whore, I do confess

I put you on just like a wedding dress,

and I, run down the aisle, run down the aisle

I'm a prodigal with no way home,

I put you on just like a ring of gold and I run down the aisle,

Run down the aisle, to You

Cause money cannot buy,

A husband's jealous eye,

When you have knowingly,

deceived His wife....

So I am a whore, I do confess

I put you on just like a wedding dress,

and I, run down the aisle, run down the aisle

I'm a prodigal with no way home,

I put you on just like a ring of gold and run down the aisle,

Run down the aisle

Cause I am a whore, I do confess

I put you on just like a wedding dress,

and I, run down the aisle, run down the aisle

I'm a prodigal with no way home,

I put you on just like a ring of gold and run down the aisle,

Run down the aisle, to You

To You...  

[Derek Webb, Wedding Dress]

I came across this song on the Joshua Radin station on Pandora.  At first I was confused because I thought it was a secular song coming across on a Christian radio station, full blast here in the ETC.  I almost ran over to shut it off but then started listening to the words.  I was curious so I googled the lyrics.  What I found, to me, is profound.

I can't say that I fully understand this song.  But God has really touched my heart with these lyrics.

I love that we can come to the Father, completely broken.  Acting as what we are, whores, failures, prodigal sons.  As vulgar as that word is, it perfectly describes us.  Maybe it doesn't describe you in the sexual sense that the word contains.  But all of us are whores to sin.

Anyway.  I love this song.  And you should all go listen to it.  Right now.

On another note, don't you love my blog layout/background?!  ;)  

I'm so excited for next month.  Daniel and I get to go out of town and have a week off work!  We're going to go to Holiday World with (hopefully) all of Daniel's siblings and his parents.  I can hardly contain the excitement.  :)

Okay, back to working at the ETC.  (Which means I am going to go watch Brothers and Sisters...  :)

Captivated

I quite enjoy browsing through blogs and more and more frequently I realize that most of the blogs I wish to follow are hosted by Blogger.  After seeing a post a few weeks ago from a friend on Facebook, I remembered that I once had an online blog.  An "LJ" actually.  I logged in and read a few of my old posts and realized that I am not the same insecure, hurting girl that I once was.  Thinking back on that today, after reading part of another chapter in the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, I decided it would be good to have a blog again.

If anything, I would like to share with others who I really am, or rather, who I am striving to be.  Sometimes I get upset.  I post irrational things (on facebook) and then I regret it.  I am hoping to shed that habit.  I don't want to be seen as an irrational person.  But I do want to be understood.  Don't we all?

So please, feel free to join me on this journey.  I assume I will post crafty things sometimes, other times my musings about something I've read, maybe an occasional prayer or even some rantings about life.

But again, I beg you to bear with me through this.  And if you would, pray with me through this.